When You Want Connection but Also Feel the Urge to Pull Away
Some people experience relationships as confusing, intense, or unpredictable. You may deeply want connection, yet feel the urge to withdraw when it gets close. You may find yourself repeating patterns that do not make sense, even to you.
You might think:
- “I want this, but something feels off.”
- “Why do I pull away when things are going well?”
- “Why do I feel anxious and shut down at the same time?”
This experience is often connected to what is known as disorganised attachment.
It is one of the least talked about patterns, yet it is more common than many people realize.
A Gentle and Important Reminder
Before going further, it is important to say this clearly.
This is not about something being wrong with you. It is not about blame.
Attachment patterns develop over time as ways of adapting to experiences, relationships, and environments. They are shaped by what your nervous system learned about safety, connection, and protection.
Everyone has an attachment pattern. Many people have a mix of patterns that shift depending on the situation.
Understanding this is not about labeling yourself. It is about making sense of experiences that may have felt confusing or overwhelming.
What Is Disorganised Attachment
Disorganised attachment is often described as a pattern where both the desire for connection and the fear of connection exist at the same time.
The nervous system is pulled in two directions:
- Toward closeness and connection
- Away from perceived risk or emotional overwhelm
This can create a sense of inner conflict that feels difficult to explain.
Where This Pattern Comes From
Disorganised attachment often develops in environments where connection felt both important and, at times, overwhelming or unpredictable.
This does not mean something extreme had to happen. It can be shaped by a range of experiences such as:
- Emotional inconsistency
- Caregivers who were sometimes available and sometimes not
- Experiences where emotions felt too big to process
- Situations where connection did not always feel safe or steady
The nervous system adapts by learning both to seek connection and to protect against it.
This pattern made sense at the time. It was a way of coping.
“Disorganised attachment is not a flaw. It is your nervous system trying to protect you while still longing for connection.”
How This Shows Up in Real Life
This pattern often shows up in ways that feel confusing or contradictory.
You might notice:
- Feeling close to someone, then suddenly needing distance
- Overthinking interactions while also avoiding them
- Wanting reassurance, but struggling to receive it
- Feeling safe one moment and unsettled the next
- Shutting down during conflict, then feeling anxious afterwards
In relationships, it can look like:
- Moving toward connection, then pulling away
- Testing the relationship without realizing it
- Feeling unsure how to trust consistency
- Experiencing emotional highs and lows
Internally, it can sound like:
- “I want to trust this, but I do not.”
- “I feel too much, and also not enough.”
- “I want closeness, but it feels overwhelming.”
Underneath all of this is a very human need: the need to feel safe, connected, and accepted.
Why It Can Feel So Confusing
Disorganised attachment can be especially difficult because it does not follow one clear pattern.
You may resonate with both anxious and avoidant traits. This can make it harder to understand your reactions and may leave you feeling frustrated or self-critical.
It is important to understand that this confusion is not a personal failure. It reflects how your nervous system is trying to navigate both connection and protection at the same time.
The Role of the Nervous System
This pattern is deeply connected to the nervous system.
When connection feels uncertain, the body may shift quickly between activation and shutdown. This can feel like:
- Anxiety or urgency
- Emotional overwhelm
- Numbness or disconnection
- A sudden need to withdraw
These responses are not conscious decisions. They are automatic protective responses.
Understanding this helps shift the perspective from “What is wrong with me?” to “What is my system trying to do?”
How Therapy Helps You Feel Safer in Connection
Therapy supports you in gently untangling these patterns and building a new experience of connection.
In counselling, you can:
- Recognize patterns as they happen
- Understand what your body is responding to
- Learn to regulate your nervous system
- Explore beliefs about safety, trust, and worth
- Practice staying present during connection instead of withdrawing
- Experience consistent, safe interaction in the therapeutic relationship
One of the most powerful parts of therapy is that it provides a different relational experience. Over time, your nervous system begins to learn that connection does not have to feel confusing or overwhelming.
Change happens through experience, not just insight.
What Becomes Possible When Patterns Begin to Shift
As this pattern begins to shift, relationships can feel very different.
You may notice:
- Feeling more grounded during connection
- Being able to stay present without pulling away
- Trusting consistency instead of questioning it
- Feeling more at ease in your body
- Experiencing closeness without overwhelm
You begin to feel less conflicted and more steady. Connection becomes something you can move toward with greater ease.
Want to Understand the Bigger Picture of Attachment?
Disorganised attachment is part of a broader attachment system that shapes how we relate to others throughout life.
If you would like to understand how these patterns develop and how they can change over time, you may find this helpful:
Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Every Relationship You Have
This deeper understanding can help you make sense of your experiences and begin creating new patterns of connection.
Finding Support and Moving Forward
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, you are not alone. These experiences are more common than they are talked about, and they are highly changeable with the right support.
At Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling in Langley, BC, our team offers compassionate, evidence-informed therapy to help you understand your patterns, regulate your nervous system, and build more secure, meaningful relationships.
You deserve connection that feels safe, steady, and supportive.
Frequently Asked Questions About Disorganised Attachment
What is disorganised attachment?
Disorganised attachment is a relationship pattern where a person both wants connection and fears it at the same time. This can create confusing emotional experiences, push-pull dynamics, and difficulty feeling safe in relationships.
What are the signs of disorganised attachment in adults?
Common signs of disorganised attachment include wanting closeness but pulling away, feeling emotionally overwhelmed in relationships, overthinking interactions, struggling to trust consistency, and experiencing both anxious and avoidant traits.
Why do I want connection but also push people away?
This can happen when the nervous system associates connection with both safety and emotional risk. A person may deeply want closeness while also feeling overwhelmed or unsafe when intimacy increases.
Can you have both anxious and avoidant attachment traits?
Yes. Disorganised attachment often includes a mix of anxious and avoidant patterns. A person may move between seeking reassurance and withdrawing from connection.
What causes disorganised attachment?
Disorganised attachment can develop through repeated relational experiences where connection felt inconsistent, unpredictable, emotionally overwhelming, or difficult to fully trust. These patterns are adaptive nervous system responses.
How does disorganised attachment affect relationships?
Disorganised attachment can create emotional highs and lows, fear of vulnerability, difficulty trusting others, confusion around intimacy, and cycles of moving toward and away from connection.
Can therapy help heal disorganised attachment?
Yes. Attachment-informed therapy can help people understand their relational patterns, regulate their nervous system, build emotional safety, and experience healthier, more secure connection over time.
Is disorganised attachment treatable?
Yes. Disorganised attachment patterns are highly changeable with self-awareness, supportive relationships, and therapy. Healing often involves learning new experiences of safety, trust, and connection.
Additional Resources
- NICABM – Trauma and Attachment Resources: https://www.nicabm.com/
- Psychology Today – Attachment Overview: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca
- Canadian Mental Health Association – BC Division (CMHA BC): https://bc.cmha.ca/
- Here to Help BC: https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/
About the Authors:
This article was co-written by Michelle Boucher, M.C., RCC, and Darcy Bailey, MSW, RSW, RCC, Dip.AT, at Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling in Langley, BC.
Michelle Boucher is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who supports adolescents and adults experiencing anxiety, trauma, grief, or relationship difficulties. Michelle also has specific experience working with First Responders. She draws from evidence-based and trauma-informed approaches to help clients understand their emotions, develop self-compassion, and build stronger connections with themselves and others. Her style is warm, collaborative, and grounded in respect for each person’s story, creating a safe space where healing feels possible and authentic.
Darcy Bailey is the Clinical Director and founder of Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling. She is a Registered Social Worker, Clinical Counsellor, and Art Therapist with over 25 years of experience supporting individuals and families across BC.
[👉 Learn more about Michelle’s counselling approach
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If these patterns feel familiar and are affecting your relationships, therapy can help you better understand them, build healthier ways of connecting, and move toward lasting change.
