It can be confusing when two people love each other deeply yet still feel disconnected. One partner might say, “I just wish you’d tell me you love me more,” while the other thinks, “I show love every day by everything I do.” Both are expressing care, but in completely different ways.
This is where the concept of love languages can offer a helpful lens. First introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman, the idea highlights five distinct ways people express and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts.
While this framework is simple and relatable, it’s not the only one used to understand relationships. In counselling, therapists draw on a range of approaches to help partners discover what truly strengthens their connection. The love languages model simply offers an accessible way to begin noticing how you and your partner communicate care and affection differently.
When Love Languages Don’t Match
When couples have different love languages, it’s easy to miss each other’s emotional signals.
You might be showing love through daily actions, such as making coffee, handling details, or taking care of things, while your partner is longing for affection, appreciation, or deeper conversation. Or you might crave time together, while your partner feels connected by small gestures or thoughtful surprises.
The problem is not a lack of love, but a lack of alignment in how it is expressed and received. Over time, these mismatches can create frustration or distance, leading each partner to feel unseen. The love itself is often still there, but it gets lost in translation.
Why This Happens: The Meaning Beneath the Language
Each person’s way of giving and receiving love is shaped by early experiences, personality, and emotional needs.
Someone who values words of affirmation may have grown up craving encouragement and reassurance. Hearing appreciation fills an emotional need for acknowledgement and belonging. Another person who values acts of service may equate love with reliability, viewing helpfulness as the clearest sign of care and commitment.
When these differences meet, partners can unintentionally trigger feelings of rejection or inadequacy. Understanding the meaning behind each other’s expressions of love can replace frustration with empathy. It also helps both partners realise that love can look and sound many different ways.
Building Awareness and Flexibility
The goal is not to label yourself or your partner. It’s about cultivating awareness and flexibility.
Learning your partner’s preferred way of connecting allows you to stretch into new ways of expressing love. At the same time, it helps you recognise your partner’s gestures as genuine, even if they look different from what you expect.
These small adjustments open a space for gratitude and emotional safety. Couples often discover that love was present all along: it just needed to be understood in a shared way.
“When we stop trying to make love look our way and start noticing the ways it’s already being offered, connection begins to grow again.”
The Emotional Layer: Why Love Can Feel Missing
When partners say, “It feels like we’re not speaking the same language,” they are describing more than communication differences. Often, the feeling of distance is connected to emotional safety.
For some, closeness and touch are what calm the body and communicate reassurance. For others, words of affection or quality time are what help them feel secure and loved. When those needs go unmet, the nervous system may register threat or rejection, leading to tension, irritability, or withdrawal.
Couples counselling helps identify these deeper patterns so that partners can understand what drives their needs, reactions, and emotional responses. The goal is not to change each other, but to create a relationship where both people feel seen, valued, and safe.
Finding Common Ground
Every couple has a unique rhythm of giving and receiving love. In counselling, partners can explore:
- What love and connection mean to each of them
- How to express care in ways that feel understood and appreciated
- How past experiences shape what feels safe and loving
- How to communicate needs without blame or criticism
- How to appreciate differences rather than interpret them as rejection
The result is not about adopting one model of love or communication, but discovering the combination that fits your relationship best. Counselling helps couples co-create their own formula for connection; one that honours both people’s emotional needs and ways of expressing care.
How Couples Counselling Helps
Couples counselling provides a safe and supportive space to slow down, listen deeply, and understand each other with curiosity rather than judgment.
In couples therapy, couples can learn to:
- Recognise how their differences in expressing love impact connection
- Understand the emotions and histories that shape how they give and receive affection
- Communicate needs with openness, clarity, and compassion
- Develop awareness of their nervous system patterns and stay calm during conflict
- Rebuild trust and intimacy through empathy and mutual understanding
- Create new ways of interacting that strengthen safety and closeness
- Experience renewed appreciation, playfulness, and joy in the relationship
Couples often leave counselling not only feeling more connected, but also more confident in their ability to navigate future challenges together.
Final Thoughts: Speaking the Same Language
People often use the phrase, “We’re just not speaking the same language,” to describe the confusion that happens when love gets lost in translation. The idea of love languages offers a simple, relatable way to begin understanding yourself and your partner differently.
You do not have to fully agree on how love is expressed. What matters most is the willingness to learn each other’s patterns, to listen for the meaning behind the words, and to build a shared understanding that feels right for both of you.
When you learn to speak each other’s language (or at least be ‘on the same page’), the relationship shifts from misunderstanding to connection, and from disconnection to closeness.
If you and your partner are feeling disconnected, help is available.
At Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling in Langley, our couples therapists can help you understand each other’s love languages, strengthen communication, and reconnect emotionally.
Reach out today to begin creating the closeness and understanding you both deserve.
Additional Resources
- Canadian Association for Couple and Family Therapy (CACFT)
- Canadian Mental Health Association – BC Division (CMHA BC)
- Here to Help BC
Author Line:
Co-written by Julie Sprague, M.A.C.P., RCC, and Darcy Bailey, MSW, RSW, RCC, Dip.AT at Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling, Langley, BC.
About the Authors:
This article was co-written by Julie Sprague, M.A.C.P., RCC, and Darcy Bailey, MSW, RSW, RCC, Dip.AT, at Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling in Langley, BC.
Julie Sprague is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families experiencing stress, anxiety, or disconnection in their relationships. Julie’s approach is warm, relational, and practical, integrating evidence-based strategies with compassion and curiosity. She helps clients slow down, reflect, and reconnect with their strengths, creating lasting change through greater awareness and emotional balance. Her inclusive, trauma-informed style supports growth and connection for every stage of life.
Darcy Bailey is the Clinical Director and founder of Darcy Bailey & Associates Counselling. She is a Registered Social Worker, Clinical Counsellor, and Art Therapist with over 25 years of experience supporting individuals and families across BC.
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